Why Can't I Stop Reading Fanfiction?

In a time of turmoil, I unexpectedly returned to my childhood universes for comfort.

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A friend once told me that a big Yzzy trait is how deeply I get into things. When I am a true fan of something, I dive in head first, full obsession. Most of these interests are lifelong formative pillars of my personality (Taylor Swift, Lightning McQueen/Cars universe, Christopher Nolan movies) and appear in seasonal waves. Eras Tour reignited my love for ‘Tis the Damn Season and I eagerly participated in Barbenheimer. But in February 2023, at the peak of my late 20s struggle, seemingly overnight, I started reading fanfiction. 

For the uninitiated, there’s a difference between fandom and fanfiction. If fandom, defined as being a fan of a particular interest, is the state, fanfiction, fiction written by a fan, is a mere city living inside of it. Though I am a long-time civilian of the Big Three states* - Harry Potter, The Hunger Games** (THG), Percy Jackson and the Olympians (PJO) - I only browsed Fanfiction City (I actually lived in Fan-edit Village). 

Fanfic is often a staple of any book series fandom, the capital city if you will. I am usually a believer in canon, or what is directly from the source material. I was not curious about alternate universes (AU), meet cutes in coffee shops, or anything that wasn’t a one shot (single chapter story). That mindset was parallel to my own life, convinced that the path I had taken was The One. 

Cut back to February 2023, struggling at my job, uneasiness buried under my skin, restless with anxiety. I would spend most of my nights doom scrolling on the sofa so the light from my phone didn't bother my sleeping ex-partner. My FYP served me a video about the behemoth that is the Draco/Hermione fanfic Manacled***. The man in the TikTok went on about how devastating it is, how he couldn’t stop crying, how it was such good writing. “Well, we’ll see about that,” I thought. I balked at the nearly 371k word count. “There’s no way I’m actually going to read this.” And over a week’s period, I did.

My dad got me this HP cutout after Chamber of Secrets and I brought it with me to the soft opening at Universal Studios over a decade later

A wormhole opened up and swallowed me whole. After work and dinner, I would binge read the same characters going through a different scenario until the sun came up. Peak Revenge Bedtime Procrastination. I read a fair amount of good stories, and a litany of just awful ones, quickly creating my preferences. My fingers zoomed through Archive of Our Own (AO3) filters and tags at light speed, with a To Be Read always open on my phone. Once I had exhausted my options for one fandom, I’d move onto the next, even into universes I wasn’t well versed in, relying on the consistency of tropes. I had almost no sleep, was overly emotional, and I could not stop. Yet, nothing else seemed to soothe me nearly as much. 

At that point in my life, every decision felt so finite, with the logic that each choice would propel you forward. Revisiting these childhood fandoms so aggressively felt like regression (it’s not btw), and I was embarrassed (I shouldn’t have been btw), repeatedly Googling “why is fanfiction so comforting?” 

Me and the movie Percy, with three of the Heroes of Olympus books, in my CHB shirt with the TV show poster

There are actually SO many reasons. This article with a psychologist on Vox touches on the intersection of grief and fanfiction, in the light of the pandemic, and the role of escapism. There’s also the power of self insertion and exploration in a familiar world, whether that be culturally, sexually, or creativity - as discussed in this paper, “Online Fan Fiction and Critical Media Literacy.” Authors get to dive into their curiosities with minimal risk. Readers can continue to live in a world that was, technically, temporary. As a writer, I loved the expansion, and could only dream of creating something with such life. 

It took a long time to discover my preferred reason, and it only came to me when I was sitting in a Manila coffee shop, looking up from a fic, and remembering I’m not home. I’m so far from the person I was before, but still feel like myself. And there’s my reason: the character you are, no matter the timeline, universe, or fantasy, is still you. 

I’ve now read so many variations of the same character plopped into random side quests, but at the core (for the most part), be the same. As someone who is so tied to her identity in specific, direct, Yzzy traits, it somehow reassured me of my ability to change. In reverse, it reminded me that newness doesn’t have to be terrifying - it can be consistent with who you’ve always been. 

Today, I view most of my adventures as my own little stories - not necessarily connected but simply all things experienced. Maybe it’s a coping mechanism or derealization. How would Yzzy react in this new-to-her scenario? It doesn’t mean I have to carry it over to my next world. And the traits I decide to bring with me are the things I decide are most in line with myself. You know the quote: wherever you go, there you are… still a Ravenclaw, daughter of Aphrodite, District 6 girlie. 

The same conversation years apart

*I could also write an entire newsletter on the constant canon additions to these universes that keep the fandoms going vs the ones that exist without (ahem Inception), along with my appreciation for Rick Riordan’s willingness to adapt each PJO medium for the sake of a better story. And yes, I know I worked on the show so I am biased!!! 

**I briefly had a THG fansite dedicated to Peeta Mellark when the first book came out. I ran it with NYC Tiffany and met my Tumblr best friend, Stefanie, through it. I owe Suzanne Collins my life fr!!! 

***Manacled is going to be pulled offline at the end of 2024 and written into another book called Alchemised. If you want to read it, I suggest downloading it now! 

Life got a little bit busy for AO3, but I found myself back on the train once I started rereading the PJO series with my friend Logan (her first time, it has been so much fun discussing it from a new camper perspective vs a Titan War vet) combined with my steady traveling. I’d be amiss if I didn’t recommend a few of my favorite fanfics! Emphasis on a few because let’s be real - I don’t know you like that… and as always, review all tags before reading!!! If you have any recs for me, please send, don’t be shy :) 

Harry Potter Universe

Draco Malfoy and the Mortifying Ordeal of Being in Love (2022) - 199k words, 36 chapters - Draco/Hermione - Classic bodyguard trope where Hermione is a esteemed medical researcher on the verge of a breakthrough and Draco is her assigned Auror - This is my comfort fic saved onto my phone! Big Jane Austen energy and I love how the story is framed. *slips on heart shaped sunglasses iykyk*

Running on Air (2014) - 74k words, 17 chapters - Draco/Harry - Harry is an Auror looking for a long missing Draco - The fandom often describes this as atmospheric, and I have to agree. Think gray and foggy, being dropped in slow motion through a cloud. Sad!!! 

PJO Universe

The Long Game (2023) - 293k words, 51 chapters - Percy/Annabeth - college AU where Annabeth and Percy (and technically Piper) are trying to qualify for the Olympics and are pulled into a fake dating publicity scheme - Standard fic with fun tropes and scenarios! Read this during the Paris games and yeah, the itch was scratched… 

Ad Initium (2013) - 8k words, one shot -  Annabeth/Nico, Thalia/Luke - Hard to summarize so I’ll take it from the source: “Snapshots of a life as Annabeth Chase grows up in a world where Thalia never turns into a tree, Luke’s destiny is something else entirely, and a certain son of Poseidon never makes it to Camp Half-Blood.” - I’ve been a fan of the author greenconverses since her LiveJournal days! These aren’t my usual ships but for the sake of the story, it works perfectly. 

Meanwhile IRL…

I crossed off a bunch of fun Manila activities, including:

• Going out in Poblacion with a new friend, we went from the rooftop of Z Hostel to tourist hotspot Buccaneers

• Shopping in Greenhills, a mall with its own counterfeit goods type of market

• Riding Angkas, a popular mototaxi rideshare app, which was also my first time on a scooter

• Taking the jeepney alone for the first time - not getting lost OR overcharged!

Highlight of this week was going to my dad’s childhood neighborhood in Manila: Sampaloc. We went to the morning mass at Loreto Church, led by the bishop for their annual district fiesta. We didn’t stay for the actual parade (we are both becoming crowd adverse, ha), but we walked around the streets he grew up on. I pulled this photo from the church’s Facebook and you can see me smiling on the top left, in the white shirt!

Today’s fun fact: Potato Corner was founded in the Philippines!

I’m skipping next week for the holiday - see you in the new year!

Written to: Goodbye by Bo Burnham
Category: Time Machines